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Featured this Month:

From the Desk of Father Rubey
Friday, January 26, 2018 by Father Ruby
The month of February brings Valentine’s Day to the calendar and with that day there are a lot of conflicted emotions. For people grieving a death from suicide there can be a missing card from that dear one who found life so painful. Valentine’s Day is all about love and strong feelings towards loved ones.

Listening to survivors speak about the love that they had towards their dearly departed oftentimes brings the question: How could they do this since I loved them so much? Survivors question their own capability of love, wasn’t love enough to keep a loved one from taking their own life? The answer to that question is a definite No. A loved one’s suicide is not about love but is about pain. Hearing survivor’s stories about their loved ones it becomes very evident that they were loved so much and so deeply. Did they know that they were loved? Yes. Was this love enough to keep them from taking their life? Obviously not or they would not have taken their life. A person takes their life because they are in incredible pain and they can’t tolerate it any longer. They are at the end of their journey in life and are ready to end their pain. Unfortunately they leave behind a following of people who loved them so much and question if their love was somehow deficient or defective. The love was neither deficient nor defective but it has limitations and one of the limitations is that it cannot heal mental illness or take away the pain that results from such an illness. Very often survivors blame their love as if this love was strong enough to prevent a suicide. No love can prevent a suicide. What can prevent a suicide is some type of therapeutic intervention and even then this is not a foolproof solution.

Another aspect of the idea of love is that survivors ask themselves whether the deceased loved them and if they did, how can they take their own life? Again, the issue of suicide is not about love but it is about pain and at the end of their live the pain becomes literally unbearable. The pain from mental illness brought on the suicide, not the lack of love on the part of the survivors, or on the part of the loved one who has departed from this life. Nothing could penetrate the psychic system to instill hope and take away the sea of despair from their tortured souls. Believe me when I say that these individuals were tortured, it came not from a lack of love but from the mental illness that took possession of their spirits.

If these loves ones had an inkling of the hurt and excruciating pain that their suicide was going to cause their loved ones they never would have taken their lives. Years ago I remember a Father asking me what his daughter was thinking as she walked across the parking lot to the garage where she died. I think he was expecting me to say that she was thinking about her parents and siblings, but I don’t believe that those were her thoughts. I think that she was thinking that in a few minutes her pain is going to be over. Anyone’s suicide is the direct result of the pain that has engulfed this person. No one wants to hurt their loves ones by taking their life.

What lessons do we learn? Our love in not all powerful and is incapable of healing a lot of hurts in life. Our love can enhance someone’s happiness but it cannot make someone happy or create happiness in someone else. This love is not the all-powerful force that we might think it is. Love does have its limitations. There is a being whose love is all powerful and we call that being God. We are not God. We are human beings and like all human beings we have limitations and we are less than perfect. This does not make us bad but it does remind us that we are human with human imperfections and limitations.

On Valentine’s Day, as survivors remember a dearly departed loved one, I encourage survivors not to question their love or the power of that love but to be thankful that you did love this person and that this person did love you. The love was reciprocal but what got in the way of that love was the pain from mental illness and while the pain did not destroy the love it did get in the way and led this person to their death. At the end of their lives all that these people could feel was their pain—indescribable pain—and this is what led them to their death. As always, I want to assure all of our LOSS family my thoughts and prayers and I encourage each member to do the same for each other—especially for those members who have recently joined our family.

Keep On Keepin’ On.

Rev. Charles T. Rubey


Archives:

From the Desk of Father Rubey
Friday, January 26, 2018 by Father Ruby
The month of February brings Valentine’s Day to the calendar and with that day there are a lot of conflicted emotions. For people grieving a death from suicide there can be a missing card from that dear one who found life so painful. Valentine’s Day is all about love and strong feelings towards loved ones.

Listening to survivors speak about the love that they had towards their dearly departed oftentimes brings the question: How could they do this since I loved them so much? Survivors question their own capability of love, wasn’t love enough to keep a loved one from taking their own life? The answer to that question is a definite No. A loved one’s suicide is not about love but is about pain. Hearing survivor’s stories about their loved ones it becomes very evident that they were loved so much and so deeply. Did they know that they were loved? Yes. Was this love enough to keep them from taking their life? Obviously not or they would not have taken their life. A person takes their life because they are in incredible pain and they can’t tolerate it any longer. They are at the end of their journey in life and are ready to end their pain. Unfortunately they leave behind a following of people who loved them so much and question if their love was somehow deficient or defective. The love was neither deficient nor defective but it has limitations and one of the limitations is that it cannot heal mental illness or take away the pain that results from such an illness. Very often survivors blame their love as if this love was strong enough to prevent a suicide. No love can prevent a suicide. What can prevent a suicide is some type of therapeutic intervention and even then this is not a foolproof solution.

Another aspect of the idea of love is that survivors ask themselves whether the deceased loved them and if they did, how can they take their own life? Again, the issue of suicide is not about love but it is about pain and at the end of their live the pain becomes literally unbearable. The pain from mental illness brought on the suicide, not the lack of love on the part of the survivors, or on the part of the loved one who has departed from this life. Nothing could penetrate the psychic system to instill hope and take away the sea of despair from their tortured souls. Believe me when I say that these individuals were tortured, it came not from a lack of love but from the mental illness that took possession of their spirits.

If these loves ones had an inkling of the hurt and excruciating pain that their suicide was going to cause their loved ones they never would have taken their lives. Years ago I remember a Father asking me what his daughter was thinking as she walked across the parking lot to the garage where she died. I think he was expecting me to say that she was thinking about her parents and siblings, but I don’t believe that those were her thoughts. I think that she was thinking that in a few minutes her pain is going to be over. Anyone’s suicide is the direct result of the pain that has engulfed this person. No one wants to hurt their loves ones by taking their life.

What lessons do we learn? Our love in not all powerful and is incapable of healing a lot of hurts in life. Our love can enhance someone’s happiness but it cannot make someone happy or create happiness in someone else. This love is not the all-powerful force that we might think it is. Love does have its limitations. There is a being whose love is all powerful and we call that being God. We are not God. We are human beings and like all human beings we have limitations and we are less than perfect. This does not make us bad but it does remind us that we are human with human imperfections and limitations.

On Valentine’s Day, as survivors remember a dearly departed loved one, I encourage survivors not to question their love or the power of that love but to be thankful that you did love this person and that this person did love you. The love was reciprocal but what got in the way of that love was the pain from mental illness and while the pain did not destroy the love it did get in the way and led this person to their death. At the end of their lives all that these people could feel was their pain—indescribable pain—and this is what led them to their death. As always, I want to assure all of our LOSS family my thoughts and prayers and I encourage each member to do the same for each other—especially for those members who have recently joined our family.

Keep On Keepin’ On.

Rev. Charles T. Rubey