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From the Desk of Father Rubey
Friday, April 20, 2018 by Father Ruby
In May our country celebrates Mother’s Day which is a day when we honor our Mothers who are still here and fondly remember those Mothers who are a part of the hereafter. For those Mothers who are grieving the death of a child from suicide or those children who are grieving the loss of a Mother from suicide this is an especially painful day. It is a day when families go out for brunch to honor Mothers and do something special for the Mothers in their lives. The day is fraught with a lot of pain for grief stricken people who are painfully reminded that a special person is absent from these festivities. There is a missing card or a card that can’t be given to a deceased Mother. This is a day that grieving people would like to have stricken from the calendar. Unfortunately that won’t happen.

One of the most irritating aspects of the grief journey is the confusion that engulfs survivors. One of the most overwhelming feelings for those Mothers who are grieving the loss of a child or for those children grieving the loss of a Mother from suicide is the fact that this person was loved so very much and so deeply. The question is asked: Wasn’t this love enough for this person? The answer to that question is that the suicide in no way reflects the level of love that survivors had for this person. The suicide is all about the excruciating pain that this person was in – either the Mother or the Child. The tremendous love that was felt toward this person was incapable of penetrating to the soul and psyche of the hurting person. That is very confusing to the survivor because much has been written about the force of the love that exists between a Mother and Child. Human love is incapable of solving or eliminating the pain of mental illness. It is vitally important for all survivors to realize that the love that we have for people is very limited and is incapable of making other people happy. Our love for people lacks the ability to create happiness in another person. Happiness and contentment emanates from within the soul of each of us. External forces are able to enhance or increase happiness. For example, possessions can enhance happiness in a person but these possessions cannot make people happy.

Another aspect of confusion for the grieving person is the attempt that people make in trying to alleviate the pain of grief. In the beginning of the journey there are no words or actions that help those grieving people or spare them from this pain. Those people who reach out to the grief stricken survivor feel very helpless because there are no words or actions that can make the grieving person feel better. What can those people do or say that will comfort survivors and ease their pain? My suggestion is that people can be there for survivors. There is no magical balm that can be applied and make the person feel better. In the immediate aftermath of a suicide, survivors need to first of all absorb the enormity of what has happened. A person who was a vital part in the life of a family has died very suddenly and has ended their life deliberately. It takes some time to absorb just what happened and why. In the immediate aftermath of the suicide survivors seek answers to many questions. Sometimes there are answers and sometimes there are no answers. The big question is: WHY?

Confusion is a major part of the initial reaction to a suicide. How will the survivors continue to go on with their lives? What kind of a future will the survivors have without this person? Can survivors live without this person who was so loved and important in their lives? Will I ever be happy again or experience peace of mind? These are just some of the questions that survivors ask themselves. There are a myriad of questions that survivors ask themselves in the immediate aftermath of a suicide. These question confuse survivors as they seek answers. These questions are all part of the initial reaction to a completed suicide of a loved one. Unfortunately, there are not always answers to these questions.

In the immediate aftermath of a completed suicide survivors are on automatic pilot and moving about and thinking in ways that don’t always make sense. This is all part of the confusion that has become a part of the life of the survivor. It will not always be this way. As survivors traverse the journey of grief the fog will lift and the confusion will subside as survivors regain a semblance of normalcy in their lives. A suicide completely throws survivors into a world of topsy-turvy. Survivors literally don’t know what is going on. All of this does subside after the initial aftermath but confusion and the uncertainty of life around them impacts the survivor to no end. But it does end as life continues and takes on a more normal aspect.

In many instances Mothers provide a balance in a home. This is not meant to denigrate the role of the Father in a home but the Mother seems to provide calmness and stability to the home. When the Mother is impaired by the grief of a suicide or the Mother has died from suicide the whole system of the family has been altered and there is a sense of confusion that descends on those remaining members of the family. Members of the family are called to rise to the occasion and make the necessary changes for the smooth running of the family system. All are asked to make the adjustment so that the family system can continue to function as normal as possible. The fog that engulfs a family after a suicide and the confusion that descends upon a family will eventually subside but in the immediate aftermath of the suicide fog and confusion will be a part of the life of survivors. This is very normal.

As we gather with our families this Mother’s Day let us especially remember those Mothers who are grieving the loss of one of their children from suicide or to remember those families who are grieving the loss of a Mother or Grandmother from suicide. I encourage all of LOSS family members to remember each other in thought and prayer-especially for those members who have recently joined our family.

Keep On Keepin’ On,

Rev. Charles T. Rubey




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From the Desk of Father Rubey
Friday, April 20, 2018 by Father Ruby
In May our country celebrates Mother’s Day which is a day when we honor our Mothers who are still here and fondly remember those Mothers who are a part of the hereafter. For those Mothers who are grieving the death of a child from suicide or those children who are grieving the loss of a Mother from suicide this is an especially painful day. It is a day when families go out for brunch to honor Mothers and do something special for the Mothers in their lives. The day is fraught with a lot of pain for grief stricken people who are painfully reminded that a special person is absent from these festivities. There is a missing card or a card that can’t be given to a deceased Mother. This is a day that grieving people would like to have stricken from the calendar. Unfortunately that won’t happen.

One of the most irritating aspects of the grief journey is the confusion that engulfs survivors. One of the most overwhelming feelings for those Mothers who are grieving the loss of a child or for those children grieving the loss of a Mother from suicide is the fact that this person was loved so very much and so deeply. The question is asked: Wasn’t this love enough for this person? The answer to that question is that the suicide in no way reflects the level of love that survivors had for this person. The suicide is all about the excruciating pain that this person was in – either the Mother or the Child. The tremendous love that was felt toward this person was incapable of penetrating to the soul and psyche of the hurting person. That is very confusing to the survivor because much has been written about the force of the love that exists between a Mother and Child. Human love is incapable of solving or eliminating the pain of mental illness. It is vitally important for all survivors to realize that the love that we have for people is very limited and is incapable of making other people happy. Our love for people lacks the ability to create happiness in another person. Happiness and contentment emanates from within the soul of each of us. External forces are able to enhance or increase happiness. For example, possessions can enhance happiness in a person but these possessions cannot make people happy.

Another aspect of confusion for the grieving person is the attempt that people make in trying to alleviate the pain of grief. In the beginning of the journey there are no words or actions that help those grieving people or spare them from this pain. Those people who reach out to the grief stricken survivor feel very helpless because there are no words or actions that can make the grieving person feel better. What can those people do or say that will comfort survivors and ease their pain? My suggestion is that people can be there for survivors. There is no magical balm that can be applied and make the person feel better. In the immediate aftermath of a suicide, survivors need to first of all absorb the enormity of what has happened. A person who was a vital part in the life of a family has died very suddenly and has ended their life deliberately. It takes some time to absorb just what happened and why. In the immediate aftermath of the suicide survivors seek answers to many questions. Sometimes there are answers and sometimes there are no answers. The big question is: WHY?

Confusion is a major part of the initial reaction to a suicide. How will the survivors continue to go on with their lives? What kind of a future will the survivors have without this person? Can survivors live without this person who was so loved and important in their lives? Will I ever be happy again or experience peace of mind? These are just some of the questions that survivors ask themselves. There are a myriad of questions that survivors ask themselves in the immediate aftermath of a suicide. These question confuse survivors as they seek answers. These questions are all part of the initial reaction to a completed suicide of a loved one. Unfortunately, there are not always answers to these questions.

In the immediate aftermath of a completed suicide survivors are on automatic pilot and moving about and thinking in ways that don’t always make sense. This is all part of the confusion that has become a part of the life of the survivor. It will not always be this way. As survivors traverse the journey of grief the fog will lift and the confusion will subside as survivors regain a semblance of normalcy in their lives. A suicide completely throws survivors into a world of topsy-turvy. Survivors literally don’t know what is going on. All of this does subside after the initial aftermath but confusion and the uncertainty of life around them impacts the survivor to no end. But it does end as life continues and takes on a more normal aspect.

In many instances Mothers provide a balance in a home. This is not meant to denigrate the role of the Father in a home but the Mother seems to provide calmness and stability to the home. When the Mother is impaired by the grief of a suicide or the Mother has died from suicide the whole system of the family has been altered and there is a sense of confusion that descends on those remaining members of the family. Members of the family are called to rise to the occasion and make the necessary changes for the smooth running of the family system. All are asked to make the adjustment so that the family system can continue to function as normal as possible. The fog that engulfs a family after a suicide and the confusion that descends upon a family will eventually subside but in the immediate aftermath of the suicide fog and confusion will be a part of the life of survivors. This is very normal.

As we gather with our families this Mother’s Day let us especially remember those Mothers who are grieving the loss of one of their children from suicide or to remember those families who are grieving the loss of a Mother or Grandmother from suicide. I encourage all of LOSS family members to remember each other in thought and prayer-especially for those members who have recently joined our family.

Keep On Keepin’ On,

Rev. Charles T. Rubey